January can be the most miserable month of the year, so what better time to make a life-changing decision! New year’s resolutions «2022». We’ve all made them, and broken them, and made them again next year. They are, however, an excellent excuse for extra partying.
So, whether you’ve triumphed in your promises, or given up altogether by January 5th, these are the all-time Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions.
- 1 1. I’M GOING TO LOSE WEIGHT
- 2 2. I’M GOING TO STOP SMOKING
- 3 3. I’M GOING TO SEIZE THE DAY!
- 4 4. I’M GOING TO GET FIT
- 5 5. I’M GOING TO SPEND LESS TIME ON FACEBOOK
- 6 6. I’M GOING TO GET A BETTER JOB
- 7 7. I’M GOING TO ORGANISE ALL MY PHOTOS
- 8 8. I’M GOING TO VISIT FAMILY AND OLD FRIENDS MORE OFTEN
- 9 9. I’M GOING TO GET CULTURED
- 10 10. I’M GOING TO STOP MAKING RESOLUTIONS THAT I’LL NEVER KEEP
1. I’M GOING TO LOSE WEIGHT
“I’ll just have another piece of pie/beer/box of chocolates.. I’ll be dieting come the New Year..” are words uttered en-masse upon loading up another plate of food and getting stuck into another dessert.
We are bombarded in the media with beautiful images telling us we’re overweight and generally horrible. So what better time to install a gradual weight-loss programme so that you can fit into the bikini/speedos/mankini to impress your friends and family in the summer.
But January can be depressing.
The fun and parties are over, you spent too much money on presents, and, if the weather’s bad, you’d much rather spend it sat on the sofa watching tv with a bag of tortilla chips.
2. I’M GOING TO STOP SMOKING
It’s a sad sight. Standing in a restaurant car park in the pouring rain just because you want a cigarette and can’t smoke indoors anymore. If it’s wintertime, you can also add pnuemonia to the already long list of smoking related illnesses.
Also, the rising price of cigarettes means having to take a loan out on your home to afford a reasonable habit. Now, more than ever, there are a myriad of ways to combat your awful affliction.
Government programmes, hypnotherapy, support groups (in person, or online), patches, chewing-gum, and the wonderful invention of the electronic cigarette. For the hard-core traditionalists, good old fashioned will power is the way to go. For the weak-willed, maybe doing all of them at once is the best idea.
3. I’M GOING TO SEIZE THE DAY!
Yes! Carpe diem! I’m going to fly a helicopter/go base-jumping/wrestle a crocodile! Of course you are. So many unique life experiences are available to buy now, from swimming with dolphins, driving an Aston Martin, or flying in a hang-glider.
Unless you’re James Bond though, you might want to take out a good health insurance first.
4. I’M GOING TO GET FIT
If you’ve always had a burning desire to run a marathon, or just wanting to tone up your flabby bits, many gyms have special introductory offers on for January to encourage us all into a healthier lifestyle (or just to fleece the new year resolutionists).
So blow the dust off the trainers and maybe just get the one month membership. You never know, you might be the next Usain Bolt.
5. I’M GOING TO SPEND LESS TIME ON FACEBOOK
Are you one of those people that:
- a) post photos of food that you’re about to eat,
- b) write that you have a headache without following it up with an interesting hangover story, or
- c) play ‘Candy Crush’ for eight hours.
There’s a big bright world out there you know. Get some friends together, get out there, enjoy, laugh, take pictures, and… yes, alright then, post them on facebook afterwards.
6. I’M GOING TO GET A BETTER JOB
Undervalued? No chance of promotion? Dead-end work with annoying people? How about being an official chocolate taster, a bounty hunter, a dolphin keeper, or checking beer for quality control. Some people are paid to snooze so medical boffins can study sleep patterns.
It’s easy to search online for a new dream job with better prospects, but don’t tell the boss to “SHOVE IT!” until you’re sure you won’t need them for a reference.
7. I’M GOING TO ORGANISE ALL MY PHOTOS
Before the digital age, we kept our photographs in a lot of paper folders, promising to one day organise them into albums for easy viewing. But even now they’re probably still sat there in their paper folders. Nowadays we keep our photos in our computers.
We can instead promise ourselves that we’ll organise them into a series of desktop folders, ideal for when friends come round and you want to impress them with a slide-show straight from your flat-screen tv.
Instead what happens is four people all squinting at your holiday snaps on a smartphone. Getting your pics into a ‘best bits’ of a night out or holiday can be more fun than you think, although it might take until the next new year to compile.
Be sure to back them all up to an external hard drive too, or it could all end in tears.
8. I’M GOING TO VISIT FAMILY AND OLD FRIENDS MORE OFTEN
“We shouldn’t leave it so long next time” is a phrase said usually once a year when you’ve finally got around to visiting your Auntie.
And how about that old school friend that found you on facebook that you said you’d have a night out with? With the advent of skype, it’s now possible to have a get-together without even travelling anywhere, so there’s really no excuse now not to do it.
9. I’M GOING TO GET CULTURED
Visit museums, go to an art gallery, read some Nietzsche and John Steinbeck, amaze your friends with your superior intellect, and become the favourite in your local bar quiz team.
Culture and knowledge is yours for the taking! But maybe after you’ve finished watching the seventh season of ‘Big Bang Theory’.
10. I’M GOING TO STOP MAKING RESOLUTIONS THAT I’LL NEVER KEEP
If you’re demoralised every year when your resolutions last minutes instead of months, then you might want to consider giving up on giving up every January. You might be doing yourself a bigger favour in the long run.
Make a resolution NOT to make any resolutions! Maybe wait until February and secretly start then, once all your friend’s resolutions have fallen by the wayside. Without the added pressure you’ll enjoy swimming with dolphins even more.