[USER]

… My boyfriend is from India (I am not) and he is head of his family. Mom, dad and 2 brothers (one is married with a kid) live in an apartment he owns, and he also send money for their monthly living expenses. Brothers contribute the bare minimum because they are not professionals and don’t have good paying  jobs.

We have talked about finance and he wants to keep everything 100% separated. I own my house (have a mortage). He wants to buy a house (1st property) but he wants to do it alone, and he also want to buy another apartment in India but alone.

I am all about share expenses 50/50 (even when he makes more, not by much tho: he males 170k, I make 130k) but in this case I do t feel it will be fair for me to pay him rent… because in the event he dies both properties will be for his family (Indian family).

I really don’t know how to do this… he has nothing in retirement, I have around 600k. I would do finance together and start investing adressively with him (start saving with him for our future, meaning put same amount (both of us) in a joint accoun this to start saving together for our future), but he wants everything separated. He thinks we can do it  separatelly. We are both in our 40s

I would like to read different perspectives. Thanks!

[Rocky]

You are dealing with massive cultural differences. I highly suggest you both come to an agreement about everything before you marry. He may have other expectations for your behaviors as a wife. Saying this as a fellow Indian.

This becomes contentious even in Indian families.

[Florence]

I get the immigrant angle as I am one too. The whole sending money back home, real estate being purchased during the relationship but you have no claim, and supporting extended fam members without no end in sight. This scenario has destroyed many relationships and mental health. In one way, I have to admit it’s honorable that your bf isn’t living it up while his folks are going to bed hungry or are in the street.

That said, Whatever you do from here, don’t fight to merge finances and don’t rescue him. Pay no mind to his retirement account just like the houses in India…they are his and his problem.

You will also have a tough decision to make for your future…do you want to be the one subsidizing his life here so he could do the things he’s doing back home? What about if you two get married and have children? Is your marriage going to be affected by this never ending cycle of dependency?

The fact that you’ve asked this question is a sign that you’re not comfortable today and likely won’t be in the future.

Don’t miss: I really would love to know if I’m the asshole here

[Swapnil]

As an Indian, Culturally Indians combine finances post marriage. very rare they keep it separate. what you mention about supporting family, is also very common culturally. I am not sure if you are talking about combining before or after marriage?

before marriage better to keep it separate. what to happen after marriage should be well thought through and agreed onto due to cultural differences with support to family back in India so that it doesn’t create problems in future. post marriage properties going to family in India doesn’t make sense. he can get a term life insurance for them in India to support in that event.

[Swapnil]

Lots of cultural questions for sure, but for me, if I’m not married to someone, I’m keeping everything separate.

[Dawn]

If you aren’t married, keep everything seperate. If/when you get married, then this discussion is appropriate. I wouldn’t live with him either…but that’s me.

[Sasha]

I would leave him. I married into different culture and caused so much stress and conflict. This doesn’t sound like a partnership to me.

It’s him, his family. Where do you stand?

[Bill]

So sanity check. You have about 3x more saved already then the average American gets to in a lifetime. You have a couple years left of daycare and then your wife can work and your savings rate will go up. You are on a good path.

If buying a home is important to you, stop your retirement savings and start saving for a down payment. You don’t actually need to own a property to be FI though.

[Dave]

You’re already coast fire. Take a breath and enjoy life. Housing in Boston and a lot of other places may be out of the question in a lot of areas unless you move way out. If you must cut back on the 401k to save cash for the house and/or move to a lower cost of living area.

My biggest fear is being house broke and racing to retire early. Enjoy the ride to get there.

[Tammy]

Retirement planning is a long-term marathon. You’re in a fantastic place with your savings at your age. Checking retirement accounts daily is counterproductive. Set a long-term plan, follow it and check retirement accounts monthly or quarterly. If you want to check accounts daily, limit that to the accounts for your day-to-day, month-to-month budget.

Our oldest kids are in college and the most expensive “seasons” of parenting are before kids start elementary school, then when they are in college. Give yourself and your wife some grace until your kids are school age. The season you are in is temporary. If you send your kids to school, your wife could return to work (part time if preferred) and you can increase your savings rate.

Also look into additional certifications to maximize your income. Consider opportunities to transition to a lower COL area, although $2,000/month rent for a family of 4 isn’t terrible.

[Author]

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